Hair....do you really need it?

I've started to loose my hair within the last two days. It's coming out in clumps. At first I had a mental breakdown and bawled my eyes out. I knew it was coming but it was still hard to see clumps of your hair in your hands. Josh, the incredible man he is, was there for me. He told me that for all I know I may enjoy being bald so much that I may choose to shave my head once my hair does start to grow back. I laughed at this and asked him how he would feel to be married to the bald lady by choice.

Today I lost a fairly large amount of hair and I put it in the trash can. Kaitlyn must of saw this and asked my mom what it was. My mom told her that I was loosing my hair because I'm sick. Josh and I weren't here at the time to help answer her questions but Mom did a pretty good job of it. I've told Kaitlyn that Mommy has cancer and that means I'm sick but I don't know if she fully understands. Josh and I sat down with her again tonight and told her that Mommy is sick and the medicine that she has to take is going to make her loose her hair. We joked a little and said that I would have a bald head like Daddy. She wrinkled her nose at that. She wanted to have the bathtub cleaned out before she'd get in it tonight because she said the hair was disgusting. (Not clumps just a few strands) Josh jumped on her for saying that. I think he doesn't want to upset me but I told him that it is disgusting that Mommy is loosing her hair and its okay for Kaitlyn to feel that way. 

So hair.....do I need it? No. Would I like to have it? Yes. Will I eventually get it back? Yes. In the meantime am I going to wear wigs? I don't know. For right now maybe I'm still in denial, maybe I'm not ready to take the next step but I'm not ready to shop for hats, I'm not ready to shop for wigs. I'm not ready to loose my hair. But reality is setting in and it sucks.

Someone make me a promise though. If I ever tell you that I like my bald head and I plan on shaving it bald once my hair grows back DON'T let me do it!! Take the clippers away!

My Odds?

I discovered something that I wasn't thrilled to learn. First of all, apparently when you are doped up on pain medications you miss a LOT of conversations between family members and medical professionals. So, we went to a Dr. in Grand Island the other day to see about transferring my treatments closer to home so we didn't have to travel as much. This Dr. informed me that my circumstances are very grim. Really? Not something I wanted to hear. Apparently my type of Leukemia (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia ALL) is incredibly rare in adults. This I knew. What I didn't know was how rare. In a nine year time period one of the big research hospitals in Texas was only able to see 33 adults with my kind of cancer. The study took place in Texas at a rather large hospital that sees people from all other the country and only 33 of these people had ALL. So now I'm a freak! :)

The Dr. in Lincoln has informed me that once I go into remission I will have a 50/50 chance of staying there. Seriously? I feel like throwing in the towel for those odds. I don't want to give up but it doesn't seem like very good odds to me. I spoke to a good friend today and she informed to not look at it negatively. I need to focus on the fact that 50/50 is better than 80/20. I agree with her but it's still hard to do. Thank you Jessi for helping me see that I can still beat this and I have a 50% chance of being healthy for the rest of my life. You are a great friend and sometimes you need someone to show you the positive and today you did that for me. I am truly grateful for you and I will always be indebted to you. Thank you!

God, can you Hear ME?

I feel as I have been chastised by family for every negative word that has come out of my mouth but hey lets be real here! I have cancer and no matter how much I fight I'm not the one who has control over this. God, can you hear me? I don't want to die and I'm not sure if you are there? I have two small kids who need me to be here for them and I feel like that no matter how hard I fight you'll be the one at the end saying yay or nay. Please here me????

Chemo

Well, the first round of chemotherapy is complete. I guess it's not what I expected but I'm not sure what I excepted. The meds have been playing hell on my body already and sadly...this is just the beginning. I can't wait to loose my hair (enter sarcasm here). I suppose if fighting cancer was easy then way more people would do it? But I did find out that 1 in every 3 woman do get cancer and I can't remember the odds for the men but that is scary when put like that. I have a huge family and I worry about all of them especially with what I have been going through this last week.

Chemo treats that I was on were put in through an IV every 12 hours. I'm not sure if this is how it will remain throughout this process or if eventually I'll have to start taking the "chemo pill". To me it doesn't seem like there will ever be an end. I heard words like 4 months 6 months...seriously??? That is forever especially when I'm on this side fighting. why can't they make a magic pill that will take away the cancer and all of the symptoms to boot?  I'm gonna say it again CANCER SUCKS!! You'll probably read that alot coming from me. ;)

As for the people who are having a hard time posting comments sorry I have no idea how to run this thing either. My cousin Shauna got me set up so maybe one day she can give us all a lesson together.

June 7, 2011

Cancer Sucks!! That's my motto. I'm gonna kick this bitch in the ass. I never figured that at 29 years old I would have to battle for my life but here we are the second time in 2 weeks I have to battle to save my life. Two weeks ago I had blood clots in my lungs and now I am battling cancer. Everyone wants to know what they can do for me and how they can help but I don't know? I've been one to really ask for anything so I'm not 100% sure how to start now. My family has told me to get over that but its easier said than done. I know once the effects of cancer really hit me and I start to get weak and lose my hair it probably won't be as hard to ask for help. 

I have two small kids that I think I most worried about. I worry that little Miss Sensitive Kaitlyn will take this really hard especially after Mommy "looks sick" and starts to lose her hair. I'm not really sure what Landon will think or how he will react since he is so young but these are my concerns and that's most likely my mom instinct kicking in.

I know I have to take one day at a time and that's what I plan on doing. So he's to June 7!  

Angies Battle

Angie was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia on Saturday June 4th. They are starting the first round of chemotherpy tomorrow at Bryan LGH West in Lincoln. This will be a long road for her and her family! She has decided to keep this blog to keep up her spirits and keep us all "in the know" about what is happening! As we all know Angie, she is Fiesty and has a great sense of humor. I am sure that she will keep us all laughing! There will be plenty of ways that each of us can help her and the family...we will keep you posted and if you want to help out with anything...we will divide and conquer to help them in any way that we can!!!